This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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