Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Randomize
