Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
