well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
