im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
