low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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