I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
