my mouth tastes like poor choices
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
