I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
