You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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