I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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