I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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