69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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