she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
