You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
