I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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