i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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