You're so nebulous sometimes
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
