so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
