Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
