My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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