yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
