Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
