party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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