youre lurking in front of me
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
