im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
