What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
