I faked an abortion last night.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
