He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
