I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
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