I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
