She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
