who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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