she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
