Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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