I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
