No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
