you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
