I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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