I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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