oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
