I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
