My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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