Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
