You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I pour the whiskey from now on
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
