You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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