low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
sarcasm needs its own font
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
