Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
as a side note pls kill me
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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