he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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