i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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